Set Your Boundaries

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As a child, I was deeply influenced by the story of Cinderella and if someone in the family asked who your favorite is, I’d proudly announce her name. I wanted to wear apparel like Cinderella and wanted to have fairy as a friend. When somebody asked why I enjoy her so much, I’d say because she is beautiful, truthful and kind. She always helps others and does good things to even people who are bad. She never says “No”.

We grow up watching films or family examples where elders talk in front of us that people who say no are bad. Frequently “kindness” is associated with saying “yes” but in reality these are two distinct things. According to psychologist Dr Susan Newman, author of “The Book of No” the challenge is more in women than men. In the words of Dr. Newman, “Women are raised to be care givers and nurturers, and that is why the issue is more prevalent for women than men”, however in my opinion the problem isn’t gender specific and it exists both in women and men. For some people this becomes a habit, or even an addiction.

So as to understand this little better let me tell you the reasons that makes a person always say yes-

For Love- it’s proven fact that human beings are emotional and all of us want love and affection. This is one of the most crucial reasons that lead some people to say yes because we think saying No will draw people besides us and we won’t be loved as much. The idea of rejection is painful and sometimes just from doubt, a number people say yes despite the fact that we would like to say no in our heart.
For showing kindness- We all have seen this in the films that good folks are always kind, Satellite Beach Squirrel Removal and giving, and bad men and women are always unkind.They always say no to everyone. Saying No is often related to rudeness and hence we choose to be kind instead of being rude.
For uncertainty of future- We often take wrong jobs and stay with people who take us for granted just because we develop a comfort zone around those familiar people and jobs. As humans, we feel danger in the unknown areas and for that reason keep giving ourselves false excuses; to stay in those erroneous jobs and with wrong people and keep saying yes to the things that make us unhappy. Hence, some of us as adults, find it difficult to say no to elderly people and to the supervisors at work place.
The cycle that starts in our youth keeps going and we are trapped to the extent that we start feeling guilty whenever we say no to people. In the majority of the cases it is just an over hyped situation that we build in our minds. In some other cases however, things get weird after people, that are habitual of listening from us suddenly start getting no. They start feeling that we have turned arrogant and some even feel betrayed. The same thing happens in the workplace where our coworkers and managers do not expect us to say no.
In spite of all these impacts, in my opinion saying no is much better than saying yes for most of the things because of the following reasons-

It provides you the opportunity to be true to yourself- Saying No to matters that makes you miserable saves your time and energy for doing other productive stuffs. It gives you the time to become really involved in the things that you truly enjoy doing.
Great for mental health- There is nothing worse than saying yes for something you don’t want to do. In my personal experience, it attracts a lot of frustration and unnecessary stress. Saying No without feeling guilty will help you feel relaxed and you can do your routine with greater attention and positive energy.
It provides you the confidence to demand what you think you deserve- Learning to say No gives boost to your confidence level and can help you to need for the things you actually deserve, whether it’s respect in personal relationships, higher pay or increased responsibilities at work.
It helps you understand who your true well wishers are- People who stick to you for getting favor of any sort will not stay with you once they learn that you’re capable of saying No to them. Hence, it’s also a fantastic technique to understand who all your real wishers are.
Saying No is extremely tough for men and women who are in the habit of saying yes. Some suggestions derived from my personal experiences to tackle this issue-
Understand that saying no doesn’t makes you a bad person- As adults, it’s our decision whether to say yes or no for something. Letting go off the youth preaching and saying no with confidence doesn’t makes you a bad person.
Take some time before you say yes- Every time someone asks you to do something, do not say yes right away, rather take time (a day or two), and think whether you actually want to do it. After contemplating, politely accept or refuse the request.
Remember that your self-worth does not depend on what others think of you- Your self-worth is exactly what you recognize and it should not be subject to opinion of other people. You don’t need to please everyone you know. Realize that you’re better than that and certainly worth much more.
It is a good thing to be considerate, helping and generous. A person can be kind and in the same time set his/her boundaries. It is important not to lose ourselves and our self-respect on the way to becoming saying yes. In the words of Paulo Coelho, “When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself” and in the words of Tony Blair “The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes”.

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